"He's got a bad case of metal illness," I commented about someone to a friend. "You mean mental illness!" "No, I mean metal. He's as dense as a block of lead." ... January has been declared National Flu month this year. Oh, you mean there's nothing unusual about that?. ... Panasonic has introduced a new breadmaker with gluten free-baking mode. It comes in two editions, standard and pious.

United Airlines drew the wrath of the Twittersphere after pictures were tweeted of a dog in a cage left in the pouring rain on the tarmac. We shouldn't spend a lot of time putting this issue in the spotlight. It will give the airlines ideas for how to treat people in coach. I envision a new class of cheap fares of "slightly impaired vision" seats. ... I ran into problems in trying to buy Christmas tree ornaments.

Many people think coal in the stocking is the sign of a bad Christmas. A bad Christmas is one in which the thing you find in your stocking is a foot. ... A photograph this week of actress Alyssa Milano in a see-through dress is sort of like seeing a wet t-shirt competition in which it was not necessary to actually use water. Thought for a minute it was part of public service announcement for La Leche League.

It used to be life at home came to a halt when we were out of milk, bread or sugar. Now, it comes to a halt when we are out of toner. The St. Bernard just recently arrived with black toner cartridges from Staples. ... Someone noted that the use of the phrase "hoisted on your own petard" is in decline. That's petards just aren't what they used to be. In the old days, you'd get 50 or 60 hoists per petard. Now you're lucky to get two or three .... My wife says I have a soft spot "In your heart?" "No on my head."