Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts (1099)

RANDOM THOUGHTS: KIM AND WHO?

Kanye West and Kim KardashianSee that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are getting married. So nice to see the young folks film their love life, have children, get married and grow up. That is the order isn't it? They did grow up, didn't they? ... Modern math: How many Jenners does it take to equal one Kardashian? Three Kardashians plus six Jenners equal how much real talent? ... Mildly scalded a thigh and nearby parts when the bottom fell out of a hot cup of tea while I was seated. No real damage done, although I thought about getting someone to kiss it and make it better, but figured that might set me back a couple of hundred bucks.

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RANDOM THOUGHTS: EMINEM

EminemRapper Eminem, the most famous Mathers since Jerry, released a Mother's Day album with a tearful rendition of the touching song, "Yo, ma."  Some disappointed classical music fans downloaded the tunes, thinking they were by Yo Yo  Ma.... United has a series of ads on airport jetways, including one labeled "Flyer Friendly", a happy passenger in a cushioned commodious seat being served a wine glass and what looks like a cup of nuts. The headline should have been "Don't You Wish You Could Afford First Class, Peasant?"

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RANDOM THOUGHTS: 24

Kiefer, Sutherland, There are predictions that we will have self-navigating, self-diagnosing cars. This could be a real problem if combined with voice assistant technology. Cars are probably like people—as they age they get cranky: "My joints are stiff. Don't hit the break so hard, it's tender. Hey, if you think this is fun, change your own oil." ... Saw an honest TV add this week. It said the product "is available at these fine retailers near you" and it then added "and at these crappy stores too."

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RANDOM THOUGHTS: LARRY KING

Larry KingThe Public Broadcasting Service is going to bring back its classic mini-series "The Six Wives of Henry the Eighth", followed by the modern classic, "The Eight Wives of Larry King." .. In other celebrity news, a remake of "A Picture of Dorian Gray", the hideous painting hidden in the title character's closet, which shows the impact of a dissolute life, will be played by Rolling Stone Keith Richards. ... A video of elephants accidentally drunk on fermented native fruit at a South African preserve is making the rounds of the web.

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RANDOM THOUGHTS: DONALD DUCK

Donald DuckPolice in Atlanta have brought loitering charges against a man accused of singing poll wolly doodle all day. In a related story, a man in Baltimore doing the hokey pokey was accused of indecent behavior for putting the wrong thing in and shaking it all about. He is being held for observation ... Apparently some editors are growing as tired of those "Ten Things" or whatever number of lists on online services. Saw one this week for "Ten things you could be doing instead of reading this list of 10 things that you could be doing."

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RANDOM THOUGHTS: STARBUCKS

StarbucksWith its frequent need to address problems with its automobiles, General Motors is planning an automatic homing device that brings cars in for recalls. It's called the "Lassie" feature and can find a dealership from hundreds of miles away. ... A sewage treatment plant near Seattle is advertising its availability as a wedding venue. I think I had my first marriage at a sewage plant—oh sorry, that's just how I think of it sometimes.

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RANDOM THOUGHTS: STEVEN SEGAL

Steven SegalAction star Steven Segal has reportedly been selected by Vladimir Putin to help get Russia in shape. Segal is being asked to develop a countrywide exercise regimen and single-handedly lead the next invasion. ... The DNA-testing web site, 23andMe, regularly features surveys that its members can participate in about health. A recent one asked if I had ever been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I replied, "I don't know and I don't care." Actually, I suffer from Hamburger's syndrome and occasionally have an irresistible urge to be covered in onion, lettuce and tomato.

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RANDOM THOUGHTS: JOHNNY ROTTEN

Johnny Rotten, Sex PistolsMy wife and I needed to pick up some food at Trader Joe's for an event. So she reminded me we needed to take a different exit than we usually do. "It's Exit 2B," she said. "You sure?" I replied. "Or not 2B?" So if the leader of the Sex Pistols visited Hamlet's home country, would we say there's someone Rotten in the state of Denmark? ... In order to boost its sagging entry in the gaming market, Microsoft is readying Dynamics GP for Xbox. The latest version ensures visibility into finances and an improved ability to stop zombies.

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RANDOM THOUGHTS: BARBIE

The original BarbieThe venerable doll, Barbie, has turned 55. To commemorate, Mattel has issued a special edition with varicose veins and support hose. In the new Barbie Playland, she's hired a private investor to track the philandering Ken, who has been seen at a motel with a much younger doll. Ken gets a surprise prostate exam form his outraged girlfriend.... You know you're getting old when you see the seats reserved for the old and infirm on trains and your picture is posted above them. ... Alzheimers is now the third greatest killer of Americans. I forget what the top two are.

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RANDOM THOUGHTS: VLADIMIR PUTIN

Vladimir Putin There's a new Russian topping for pasta called Vladimir Putinesca sauce. It makes you power hungry and capable of producing only a thin, forced smile. ... It was easy to tell that Russian president Vladimir Putin was ecstatic when a 17-year old became the first Russian female to win a gold medal in Olympic figure skating. His smile broadened by a full quarter inch. ... I'm sure Putin is out to embarrass the West by the harassment of the most famous Russian rock band. His actions ensure that Western media continue to have to use the words Pussy Riot in headlines.

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