Many people think coal in the stocking is the sign of a bad Christmas. A bad Christmas is one in which the thing you find in your stocking is a foot. ... A photograph this week of actress Alyssa Milano in a see-through dress is sort of like seeing a wet t-shirt competition in which it was not necessary to actually use water. Thought for a minute it was part of public service announcement for La Leche League.

It used to be life at home came to a halt when we were out of milk, bread or sugar. Now, it comes to a halt when we are out of toner. The St. Bernard just recently arrived with black toner cartridges from Staples. ... Someone noted that the use of the phrase "hoisted on your own petard" is in decline. That's petards just aren't what they used to be. In the old days, you'd get 50 or 60 hoists per petard. Now you're lucky to get two or three .... My wife says I have a soft spot "In your heart?" "No on my head."

Always fun shopping with your spouse. Mine likes to make fun of my forgetfulness. So after I bought her green tea, she says, "where's the list?" I looked I had put it on the shelf where the tea was stocked. A few minutes later, I'm asking what kind of food to get the grand-dog. "What's on the list?" "I don't know?" as I dug through my stuff. "I don't have it?" I look over as she digs the list out of her bag. "Oh, that list." A few minutes later, she's asking me if I could get chili for Joey. "It's on the prepared aisle." "I couldn't find it." "I'm surprised." I walk to the aisle and pick up two cans of Hormel.

Hands free phones have disrupted the pattern of life by making it difficult to detect the crazy people. We have to make more noise to stand out. ... There's a new set of wedding vows making the rounds that is appropriate for the modern era. It ends with "You must accept terms and conditions." ... A coffee store at Newark Airport offers something labeled a "Taste of Fall." I ordered it and got a cup of cider with one red and one brown maple leaf floating in it.