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The nice thing about online gambling is you don’t have to worry about having to hitch hike to the airport after blowing all your cash. … Following his statement that hurricane Dorian threatened Alabama, President Trump plans a career as a meteorologist once he leaves office.

“Let’s see, there’s a tropical storm over New Mexico and we’re expecting early snow in Louisiana.” … Placido Domingo, who has been sued by 11 more women who allege harassment, will be performing a special version of “La Dona e Mobile” from the opera "Rigoletto" in which  he plays the dissolute Duke of Mantua.  He’ll be adding to the famous tenor aria by inserting the bass aria ”Madamina, il catalogo è questo” from “Don Giovanni” in which the Don’s servant, Leporello enumerates his master’s female conquests. The Duke will reply repeatedly, “Oh, no, no no no no no no, non l’ho fatto ( Oh, no I didn’t). … Someone asked me what I think of the Electoral College”. “I don’t know,” I replied. “What kind of football team do they have this year.” “Great, they’re playing the College of Cardinals for the first time. “Aren’t the cardinals too old for football.” “Yeah, but they have a wicked Hail Mary pass.” … Fans are disappointed that the possibility of a new “Spiderman” movie appears closed for now In the initial script, Peter Parker attempts to mate with a female Spiderwoman, who true to her arachnids’ habits, eats him. …Meanwhile, plans for the TV sitcom, “Dr. Wolverine, Proctologist” have been put on hold. … New from the future—2040. “In the 5,000thvote, the British Parliament again defeated the plans leadership proposed for their company’s leaving the European Union. ... Meanwhile, aging Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was forced to have a surgical chest lift in order to pose for his most recent bare-chested photo.

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