I'll have you know it took a lot of hard work and trial and error for me to continue making the mistakes I make today. ... When my daughter was in high school she asked, "Dad, have you ever been arrested." "No, but I would put that in the category of minor miracle," I replied. ... It was so cold while I was back in Indiana that there was a line of brass monkeys behind me sobbing inconsolably. How cold was it? It was so cold there were countywide remnants of tongues on pump handles.

The Grand Hyatt Hotel in San Antonio has this sign on guest floors: "Be considerate of other guest between 10 pm. and 6 am." I guess you can treat them like dirt the rest of the time. ... This announcement was made on an American Airlines flight as I was traveling back from San Antonio. "If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, you can ask. But don't kid yourself. We can't." (OK, so I added some words.)

"He's got a bad case of metal illness," I commented about someone to a friend. "You mean mental illness!" "No, I mean metal. He's as dense as a block of lead." ... January has been declared National Flu month this year. Oh, you mean there's nothing unusual about that?. ... Panasonic has introduced a new breadmaker with gluten free-baking mode. It comes in two editions, standard and pious.