The Joint Chiefs of Staff has decided that military procedure will now contain policies regarding encryption of private email messages, including the ability of superiors to enjoy the most salacious ones. ... Kevin Clash, the voice of Sesame Street’s “Elmo” was briefly accused of having sex years ago with a man who was then underage. Although the accuser has recanted the charge, this may explain the origin of the idea for “Tickle Me Elmo”... Petitions for secession have been circulated in 36 states following President Obama’s re-election. If successful, the new government will abolish taxes and apply for foreign aid. Meanwhile, rival Hispanic groups say that they would counter by trying to re-annex the Southwestern states to Mexico. … Hostess, the makers of Twinkies, has filed for permission to go out of business. However, no worries: the stockpiles of the cream filled sponge are expected to last a couple of hundred years because of preservatives. … After billionaire Donald Trump called for a revolution following the election, an aide explained that the weight of his comb over had affected his brain. In light of the Hostess situation, Trump will make the Ding Dong a symbol of his movement and will support the formation of a new nation if his face can be on all the money.